Although I’m ashamed to admit this, I’m currently quite overweight. People who I spend time with obviously can tell by just looking at me, but a lot of people don’t know as I never really post any photos of me anymore. I feel ugly.
Over the years I’ve struggled with my body weight as one year I’m overweight, the next I’m underweight. When I started University back in 2014, I was fairly underweight. I used to eat very unhealthy but very little as my mind was tricked into thinking that I’m full as I used to smoke almost a pack of cigarettes a day. Around December 2015 I quit smoking and I slowly started gaining weight as my appetite increased and I started substituting smoking with eating. Due to years of previous abuse to my body through bad habits my body couldn’t handle it anymore and I started having problems with my thyroid gland which brought up depression and anxiety which were intensified by low self-esteem issues I’ve had throughout my whole life. I stopped leaving the house and spent months in bed eating unhealthy food and piling up more body fat. Although I’ve tried to sort it out multiple times through healthy eating and gym, I always failed because it’s very difficult to change your lifestyle when you don’t have control over your mind because of depression or anxiety, even worse when you have both. I’m still not 100% in control of my mind, but I’m slowly getting there and I feel like if I push myself really hard to change my lifestyle I will regain this control. I’m also experiencing other health problems which I don’t want to get into, but they are a sign that it’s time for me to take better care of myself and my health as it will only get worse and I’m too young for this.
I know I’ve failed many times before, but I know this time I will succeed, because I will make it my 1st priority and I’m also hoping that sharing my fitness/health journey publicly will give me the motivation I need to carry on, because let’s be honest, if I fail yet again, that will just be embarrassing since I’m now telling the whole world that I will succeed.
I’m just sick and tired of me looking in the mirror and not liking what I see. I’m sick and tired of missing out on cool experiences and opportunities, because I feel ugly. I’m sick and tired when I actually do go out and have fun but I don’t want to take photos which capture the memories because I don’t like how I look. I’m sick and tired of not being strong enough. I’m sick and tired of the poison in my head. I’m just sick and tried of so many things right now which can be sorted out by a lifestyle change. Therefore, I promise myself that I will eat healthy and exercise from now on not only to look better, but to feel better in hopes to regain my physical and mental health.
Today was day 1 and I went to the gym in the morning and for the first time ever I actually really enjoyed it. I only went for 40 minutes of which 10 minutes was a warm up on the elliptical trainer and then I did 30 minutes of a few leg exercises with weights, at the end of the session I was actually sweating buckets. I also did pretty good with food. I had scrambled eggs with mushrooms and cherry tomatoes and coconut yoghurt with some strawberries for breakfast, chicken and vegetable stir fry for lunch and tilapia and salad for dinner. I also had 3 litres of water.
My aim is to eat clean, non processed foods. I am going to be completely cutting out added sugar, dairy and wheat. The reason for this is because added sugar makes me break out on my face and back; dairy bloats me like crazy even if it’s lactose free; and wheat just to lose weight a bit quicker, I will be reintroducing it back in my diet after a couple of months.
Throughout this journey I will also aim to post updates of my progress with before and after pictures, more detailed posts of my eating habits throughout my life, and more detailed posts about my anxiety and depression.